I don't want to feel terrible anymore.
My first memory of a depressive episode is when I was 13. It's the moment I stopped playing with toys, too. When I stopped pretending to be a Turtwig, stopped personifying my plush bunnies, cats, and Ernie from Sesame Street. I remember it very clearly. I was alone on creaky swings, playing outside after school, and I felt a sudden emptiness flood in. That day in class, I had gotten rejected by my crush for being "too different." Now, obviously, getting rejected isn't why I have depression. I think it may have been dormant up until that age. After all, I was too busy dealing with severe anxiety since I was literally a toddler. But now I was finally a teenager, and I couldn't be playful anymore or cope in my own way. People thought I was weird. I had to look good now, not chew on my salad too loudly. (This is also something I remember about being 13. I would sit next to my crush at lunch and take FOREVER just to chew one leaf of lettuce. I couldn't be loud or even a little bit gross. Well... or chew food, apparently. I was self conscious of my own existence.) It's as though my childhood was over right then and there. The last I remember of my childhood is the first I remember of this grey that's hung over me for the majority of my life.
I'm 26 now. I have lived a lot longer than I ever thought I could. Honestly, I thought I'd be trapped forever. I guess I still kind of am. But not in the way I used to be. Nowadays, I am on antidepressants to help with my anxiety and sadness. They helped for a long time... Well, they still do! I'm a LOT better than I used to be. Lately the sadness has been coming through the cracks again as my med dose gets changed for a third time. It's a balance. If my dose is too high, I sleep all of the time. I have no energy to do anything. I bed rot constantly. I don't eat, yet I gain a lot of weight (to be clear, I love being chubby! This is only an alarming symptom considering diabetes runs in my family). If my dose is too low, the same thing happens, but it's fueled by anxiety. I'm too scared to leave my bed. I just want to cry if I get up. I don't want to be seen. So, back to bed I go.
The amount of bed rotting that I do is concerning. Today I slept for most of the day, attempted to get up twice, failed, and didn't eat anything until my partner came home at 5. Even now sitting at my PC I am very tired. I think, since my dose is lowered, I'm just depressed again. I don't know. It's hard to function a lot of the time. When I first started my meds, I was ELATED. Maybe it's placebo, but after my first day of taking Zoloft 2 years ago, I woke up, sat up in bed, and felt tears come to my eyes. For the first time EVER, there was absolutely nothing going on in my head. No racing thoughts, that is. Just peace and quiet.
As my body has gotten used to it, that has changed. My mind is not overwhelming most of the time, I just feel a bodily response to whatever bothers me, be it depression or anxiety. These responses have been increasingly bad, but honestly, I do believe it's because I am also struggling with grief. I lost 3 out of 4 of my grandparents this past year and a half. It feels like a nonstop cycle of pain. I miss them so much.
As I've fallen into this pattern of bed rotting, I've turned to staying connected to the world via my phone. Unsurprisingly, this has been horrible for me, lol! I feel good when I am talking to my friends and coopies, but of course, phone time never limits itself to that. I end up down some kind of rabbit hole even though I have purposefully purged most of my social media. Right now the death spiral is YOUTUBE. The site brings me a lot of comfort, as I love watching Minecraft videos, ASMR, Vtubers, and artists. Maybe the internet gods know I'm suffering, because I keep getting suggestions for "HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE" type videos. I remember clicking on a video called something like "HOBBYMAXXING WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE." I have really resonated with a lot of peoples' returns to analog media after all. But this video literally started with "Let's analyze microtrends to do crafts inspired by!" I clicked out. Please don't feed me any more slop. LOL!!
No video, pill, craft, or hobby will fix my rotting habit. Only I can.
After rotting yet again all day today, I felt something snap. I need to change. It's going to be very difficult, but I need to drag myself out of bed and do something I like. Or, anything to keep me occupied, really. My house is a bit of a cluttered mess right now. My partner is overworked and I bed rot on all the off days I have, so it's not tended to regularly unless a guest is coming. Maybe I'll tidy up a little bit each day. I want to start going on walks again too. I'd like to write more blog entries like this. I've always loved writing, and write in my journal a lot. But I love writing to share, too, like this entry. It's a bit depressing, but I think that someone might resonate with it. There's always a reason to keep going, even if it doesn't seem like it.
I've spent 26 years worrying about what other people thought of me or rotting in my bed. It's time to start enjoying the many years I have left.
Thanks for reading and don't forget to take care of yourself <3 Love, Chicken