Swimming, not drowning
Here's a pic I saw on Pinterest today.
Today is Day 2 of severely limiting my social media / phone intake. I'm really only on it to check my Discord or text my partner. It's been... a lot easier than I thought. I deleted nearly every app on my phone and backed up all of my photos on my PC. It's empty, it's got time limits on my social media apps. I have the limit set to 2 hours for my total screen time. Weirdly, the urge to rot hasn't been there. I feel free in a way. I'm much more motivated to turn to my sketchbook, journal, or blog when I get bored. I really like this feeling of getting bored.
Boredom is the point where my mind starts to wander. It feels like when I was a kid again imagining storylines for my OCs as I rode the bus home from school. Managed anxiety along with my newfound free time has been AMAZING. My limited time not at work has been spent creating, thinking, and enjoying the quiet. It's crazy how quickly things are changing since the change. I'm out of bed more than I've been in a long time. I'm up and exploring at 9am every day instead of minutes before I need to leave for work.
I'm hoping this feeling continues for a long time.. maybe even forever? I know there will be twists and turns in this journey, but at least my phone won't be an obstacle. I was thinking of buying a flip phone to downgrade what I have, but honestly, I don't need to buy any more things. My current phone is great, and I can manage it to serve my needs. Just because the entire universe of algorithms is out there doesn't mean I need to drown in it.
I've spent some time reflecting on what this means for me current-event-wise. I've always loved being engaged with my local community activists. The way I did that before was join groups on Instagram. I think part of me has diverted from deleting social media in the past because I didn't want to ignore current events. Part of this transition is feeling peaceful in the fact that 1, I don't need to absorb current events / activist organizations from social media and 2, grassroots movements are on the ground active in my community. There are local groups around me that organize protests for a Free Palestine frequently. I was in their Insta group before, now I can stay active via their site and newsletter. I can stay in the know WITHOUT also consuming ads and slop, and I love that. The answer has been here the whole time, I just wasn't looking for it! I've just signed up to receive communications from the Democratic Socialists of America and volunteer with my local group. I'm so happy I can still help out even if I might not be their fastest contact :)
I feel a lot more hopeful compared to my last blog entry, lol! I'm starting to like life again. I've always said that my purpose is to create and help out, and I do feel like I'm finally fulfilling this again. I don't truly believe we are born with a "purpose," but for me personally, I do feel empty when I'm not meeting these needs. I've been drawing in my sketchbook so much more. Thinking of ideas. Ideas randomly come to me! I don't feel so much weight on my shoulders.
It's still hard to talk to some people. Unfortunately there are some folks who are so "twitter-brained" that they're hard to talk to. I recently lost a friend who was angry I didn't "block people fast enough." I don't use twitter anymore (my account existed but was inactive), but she insisted I block certain people ASAP. At the time, I was in the forest with my family spreading my grandfather's ashes. I was pretty astounded by her lack of empathy and insistence I "wasn't really her friend" if I didn't adhere to the block list immediately. As soon as I got home, she demanded I do it. No time for me to process what had just happened early in the day. No time to myself to grieve. I had to bend to her will immediately or I wasn't enough. I think that short-form content / social media in general creates the expectation of instant gratification. This person, who I truly care about, could not see past my slow internet activity, and did not want to be associated with me anymore. So I blocked them, and it was hard, but I feel at peace. If being off my phone means I'm "not putting in the effort" as a friend, so be it. Those who are really my friends know that I love them even if I'm not active online. My actions speak so much louder than what I scroll or type. I've had to be reminded by my therapist that it's completely normal to not be glued to my phone. I started to feel guilty, that maybe not responding fast enough DID make me a bad friend. But nope! There are so many measures as to what makes a good friend. It's how they make you feel. The fun you have together. The memories you create. The laughter. Sharing. Shared joy. Parallel play. Seeing the best in each other. Making each other's lives brighter just by existing. Talking about everything and nothing all at once. A feeling of love whenever you see or hear their name. That's true friendship. This entry is dedicated to Solaria: I LOVE YOU!
Squawks and keyboard smacks forever,
Chicken <3